Aging with Depression.

It's the start of a new year yet I feel there is no need to celebrate. Of course, I am happy that I'm still going but it just feels like I've started losing the joy of the holidays that go by. I remember always being excited for my birthday, a new year, Christmas, easter, and the rest but now it just seems like I'm outgrowing what used to make up my childhood. As such, I'm feeling increasingly conflicted as the years go by. I am now getting an understanding of why people don't celebrate or care for them much anymore but to be honest, I really want to keep those occasions a part of my usual lifestyle and I want to be able to count down the days and feel the regular enthusiastic me. Somehow it feels like a chunk of my heart has been ripped out and I'm losing what seems to be my childhood adventures and venturing into the world of adulthood. Not only am I scared, but the pressure of becoming an adult and the expectations that come with it will start to bear on me more and well I don't think I'm ready for all of that yet. 

This year as adulthood creeps up on me and age starts to grow, this undeniable regret of growing older yet the excitement that comes with it makes me want to freeze in place and give myself more time to think of what my plans are. One of the biggest fears that I'm facing up until today is the fear that whatever I try to excel in, I'll fail, and the possibility that I'll result in nothing always replay in the back of my mind. I want to give back but how am I capable of doing that when I can't even provide for myself. I feel like the days of my childhood are slowly disappearing from me and being taken away with the passage of time. No matter how hard I try to hold on to those bittersweet memories, they slip away. Is this what it's supposed to feel like to become an adult? If so, I hate to say it but I'm scared. I'm scared of all the unknown things about to come my way but I'm patiently waiting on them to come forth. 

The struggle of school weighing down on my shoulders, the brought-up responsibility of having a job, the loss of the ones closest to me, the mental health aspect of growing older, and the mindset I carry. All of these come forward at a faster pace than when in adolescence, but with all of this, you might have experienced before even reaching adulthood. Some people are more mature at the age of 16 & 17 than most adults at the age of 30. Yes, we can't deny that they've lived longer and gone through more than we have but through the difficulties we've faced, you'll never know. 

Now into the more optimistic side of it, you can start focusing more on dating or school, you can move out, you can go partying more, you can spend the night out, you can start developing yourself into your own person different from what you were raised to become. You start learning more about who you are and who you want to be if you hadn't decided when you were younger. They say with age comes wisdom and that's true but for young adults, right now I say with age comes experience. If you don't get things wrong how will you know how to get them right unless you got it right from the start, besides that it's different, it totally is. Well, that's my mindset right now, it can be changed either as I mature or as someone gives a better explanation. 

2023 will be a different year, I'm not so excited but I hope I can understand more of what's about to happen soon enough. 





Written by Alyssa Chin 
Photo Credits(Amanda on Pinterest )
                                                              




 

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